smile143

Christmas 2011

hollyhoop — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 17:59:15 +0000

This Christmas Eve we decided to go to the Christmas Eve service with our son at his church. It was nice going with him and sitting in between him and my husband. Always missing our girl though and wishing she was there with us. We felt her presence as we worshipped. I’ve continued to struggle this year with the loss of Morgan and my mom – the best two “cheerleaders” in my life. As the pastor talked about Christmas and our lives and our salvation- he said ” God is your biggest cheerleader- you thought your mother was but no- it’s God”. I was amazed that he mentioned that in his service…something I so struggled with through out this year…how was I suppose to live without my cheerleaders?? He also talked about how we are never alone – God is always with us. I know that but for some reason it just hit me a different way. I’ve always love the name “Immanuel” for God and that means “God is with us”. He also talked about how we all have a story and we have God’s light in us and we need to shine that light to the world. Something else I feel very strongly about….our story. No two are alike and your story is your witness…how you live your story…how I live mine. I honestly could live mine under my blanket alot of days…and like I’ve said before…how is the world going to know how to endure and make it thru tradgedy and know Jesus if those of us who have been thru painful tragic situations hide under the blankets.

As we approached Christmas at my house…lighting a red candle in honor of Morgan…opening presents…spending time with family…remembering the reason for the season…we all looked at each other and said “this was a good Christmas”. We have come along way in the 3 years since our tragedy…she will never be forgotten but we can finally smile again.

I’m not the only one…

hollyhoop — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:25:22 +0000

Sometimes when you face grief as tragic as mine…you think you are the only one going thru something like this…that no one else can possibly know your pain and you get angry because you think they don’t.
Then something happens or you see something that shakes you up and you realize…hey, I’m not the only one. Death did not just happen to me.
On my way back from Columbus for Thanksgiving…we stopped at Andersonville…it’s a Civil War prison camp. We walked along the vast landscape where the prisoners lived behind these huge walls…we saw pictures of the starved, filthy men who lived in tents and endured this tragic way of life that they became a part of. We also visited the museum and read letters and saw more pictures and filmstrips of how life was for these men. As we were leaving…we rode thru the cemetery. There were rows and rows of graves so close together it was unreal. As I stood there and looked at these graves of men…mostly very young men…I was overwhelmed with the fact that their mothers…and fathers…sisters and brothers…lost someone very important to them and they grieved. So many lost and so many grieved for. I was not the first or the last or the only one who has experienced such incredible tragedy. Their loved ones went thru the same exact feelings, emotions, pain, that I’ve been going thru…some became stronger for it…others probably gave up.
So as I spent part of my Thanksgiving looking at these graves…I was reminded that death does not select just certain people..I’m not alone even though I might feel like it at times and that I don’t know why my daughter had to go on before me…and I am going to be thankful for the years I had her not agonizing about what could of been.

The Lord speaks….

hollyhoop — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 14:33:09 +0000

This past weekend I was on the team for a Tres Dias weekend. People from all over the world write letters of encouragement to the new people that come on this retreat. One of my jobs was to put these letters up all over the campground. So late one night I was walking the campground with a stack of letters and happen to go into one of the bathrooms. We put letters up in there too. One of my team members had already put up some letters and I glanced around the bathroom at them. One of them was a picture of a red headed girl lifting her hands in worship and underneath it said “Daughters of the Most High”- I thought gosh, that girl looks like Morgan. God spoke to me right then and said ” YOUR DAUGHTER IS WITH THE MOST HIGH”. I was in awe that he spoke that into my soul. Not that I didn’t know that or was wondering… but the God of the Universe in the middle of the boonies…in the middle of the night…spoke to me to help ease my pain. It wasn’t like I needed it either. Some days I go around looking for a sign…begging God to give me something to offer comfort…but that particular night I was doing ok. I think he gave me that word so I would remember it when I was having a bad time or because he just did because he loves me. Sometimes it takes the quiet for us to hear…I was alone in the dark…just me and the night noises. Maybe I’d hear more from him if I was quieter…maybe all of us would. Instead of praying and talking constantly…maybe our prayer should be listening.

Death…my version

hollyhoop — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 12:35:00 +0000

Death is interesting to say the least. I have gotten to experience different kinds. As a young child I watched my little brother die of cancer….my grandparents all died of old age…my daughter in the blink of an eye and now my mother…a long, painful, suffering for herself and all of us as we wait for her to pass. As I think about my mother and my daughter….one in an instant and the other in this long drawn out rollercoaster ride….one minute we are planning her funeral and the next minute she is rallying….I wonder which is worse. With my mother this is the way it suppose to be…not the long drawn out version…but in the normal process of aging…people die…so it a part of life…but with Morgan…we are not programmed for our children to go before us…it’s just not the process of life. One counselor told me…you are at the top of the chain…this is the most painful thing in life to go thru.

It is also interesting how family members deal with death. Some have to analyze it and try to figure out the meaning of it all…what God is trying to show us…lots of questions. Then others only think of themselves and you hear from them that this waiting is messing up their schedule or I can’t be around him/her it’s too hard…let somebody else deal with it. Even though the person dealing with it…is exhausted.

Its also interesting how others view you. I think I just have a big sign on me that says… she has too much death around her…stay away. Or if they ask you how things are…they don’t want to hear the real story….TMI!!

Thankfully…we have a God we can come to…yell to…scream to…who gives us comfort…answers…strength to keep going…endure…and at the end of it all….we will be with him and our loved ones…and all this stuff we deal with on earth…won’t even be thought of ever again. That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

My mom…143

hollyhoop — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 18:26:43 +0000

My mom had a second serious stroke last weekend and is holding on by a thread. My dad said he wanted to get her obituary written so we wouldn’t be rushing around at the last minute to do so. I started thinking how do you put a life of 78 years into a few paragraphs…I had a hard enough time putting Morgan’s 16 years in a few paragraphs. I thought about how my mom has always been my biggest cheerleader. She always wanted the best for us kids and would go out of her way and means to do so. She made sure you had what you needed and most often even the stuff you wanted. In other words…we were spoiled. A hard thing to overcome when you married and didn’t have much.
Mom taught high school for over 25 years and it made me realize how many lives she touched in those years. I remember one student telling me that he was failing and decided he wanted to pass and he talked to her about it so she moved his desk right by hers and he sat there every day…and he passed. I thought of all the missionaries that she corresponded with…she was gung ho on missions and was the Women’s Mission Union President at her church. There is so much going on in my head about my mother…hoping and praying she is around a few more years…but not wanting her to suffer. I am blessed that she’s my mom.

“Rise”

hollyhoop — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 14:24:27 +0000

God speaks to me in music alot of the time. Last night he reminded me thru a song and the video that he is with me thru this journey. Sometimes I do feel like I’m going thru this alone but he reminds me constantly that I’m not. Last night he overwhelmed me with his reminder plus I think he just wanted to remind me where Morgan is…I didn’t really need reminding but I guess he felt like I did.

So as I was riding home from the gym I was listening to the song “Rise” by Shawn McDonald. I thought gosh that is such a good song and it pretty much sums up my life at this moment. So I went home and found the video on u-tube. As I was watching the video…about 1/2 way thru it shows a girl rising up from her death bed to heaven and it says….”death is swallowed up in victory” and I swear to you the girl looks exactly like Morgan. I was blown away…I looked at it over and over again…tears streaming down my face…just a awesome reminder that she is in heaven…God is watching over her…death is her victory. I ran and got Chris and Zach and made them watch it too. They were also blown away. God is in the business of blowing us away with his
“unique” ways of reaching us.

I wish the “why” question would quit haunting me…

hollyhoop — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 14:13:04 +0000

I have been really struggling again with the “why” question. I thought I was over that question but as thing happen to others…I am again faced with “why”. Chris’s cousin’s husband was just in a terrible motorcycle accident….he crashed and his helmet flew off and he is now in very serious condition with brain trauma. This young couple…newly married…she is a dentist in the military…are facing a long road to recovery and maybe a lifetime of handicaps.

I have to remind myself that God did not cause this tragedy. He did not cause Morgan’s tragedy. I can be upset and I can have my faith shook to it’s absolute core but I find that this does not help matters…it only makes it worse. I have to tell myself over and over again…the one constant thing in this world of uncertainties and pain and tragedies is GOD himself. If he knows when a sparrow falls….he knows what one of his children is facing.

It goes back to asking the question “what does this mean” instead of “why”.

C.S. Lewis says it best: “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” This does not mean that God causes tragedy, but that He uses our reaction to tragedy to speak to us. Tragic events remind us not only that we live in an imperfect and fallen world, but that there is a God who loves us and wants something better for us than the world has to offer.

From “Streams in the Desert”

hollyhoop — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 12:09:28 +0000

“By faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. (Galatians 5:5)

There are times when everything looks very dark to me- so dark that I have to wait before I have hope. Waiting with hope is very difficult, but true patience is expressed when we must even wait for hope. When we see no hint of success yet refuse to despair, when we see nothing but the darkness of night through our windows yet keep the shutters open because stars may appear in the sky, and when we have an empty place in our heart yet will not allow it to be filled with anything less than God’s best – that is the greatest kind of patience in the universe. It is the story of Job in the midst of the storm, Abraham on the road to Moriah, Moses in the desert of Midian, and the Son on Man in the Garden of Gethsemane. And there is no patience as strong as that which endures because we see “ him who is invisible” (Heb. 11:27). It is the kind of patience that waits for hope.

Father, give me the strength to wait for hope – to look thorough the window when there are no stars. Even when my joy is gone, give me the strength to stand victoriously in the darkest night and say, “To my Heavenly Father, the sun still shines.”

Prayed up???

hollyhoop — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 15:11:28 +0000

As I read of accidents that take people’s lives and ones where they survive.. my mind always thinks…they survived so they must of been prayed up. It goes back to that sunday school class where this one guy’s wife told us all about her scare with breast cancer. Then the report came back that she was fine…he said “we were prayed up”. I’ve talked about that before, but it has always stayed with me and when I let myself I find myself thinking…gosh I must not have been prayed up. After my neighbor was in a tragic accident this week and she survived…my thoughts went to that…she must of been prayed up and I mentioned it to my husband. He said what if she wasn’t….what if this happened as a reminder to her…a wake up call…life is precious. He said Holly, you can’t think that way…it’s easy to…but it’s not the way God works. He does not make things happen…he allows them…and thru them…he gets the glory. It doesn’t matter how prayed up you are…things happen. That was just a “saying” and if he knew how much it affected me – he would be mortified and wished he had never said it. It was something Satan used to undermine what God was doing and he continues to use it when I’m down. We always have to be on guard…Satan is always looking for a way to destroy us. He could destroy me if I let him…I’m thankful I have a God who won’t let him.

Hope…

hollyhoop — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 20:16:10 +0000

I haven’t written in a while…just been kind of floating it seems. But today it seemed like as I was listening to the radio- all the songs were for me. Lately I’ve been just trying to do this thing alone and God keeps reminding me I can’t. Today with the all the songs and the word Hope in all of them. As I was thinking about all the songs – I looked down at my phone- and I was playing the game Word Fued with someone and they played the word “hope”. I thought gosh- Hope is what it’s all about. I have Hope because I have Christ. Otherwise I don’t think I’d want to go on. Also I have Hope that I can give others. One person told me recently he didn’t know how I wasnt’ in Chattahoochee sipping my food out of a straw. He said he would if he lost his daughter. We all have a story of some kind and my story can give others HOPE. Why should I be sitting around in pity when I have a job to do? God gave me this story…this journey…and I have to be obedient.